


In Health & Trust

by CleverTidal



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Orphan Black Fusion, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-10-13
Packaged: 2018-04-19 15:05:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 20,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4750742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CleverTidal/pseuds/CleverTidal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reworking of Season Three, I am not sure what Season Four will have in store, but Season Three left me wanting more Cophine.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This will be a multi-chapter fic.

 

               Her favorite memories were the ones of less than a year ago. They did not consist of elaborate gestures, or profound promises; they consisted of fingers intertwining together, extended gazes, and cheeky smiles. This was her happy place and until recently this was her fortress. Now the walls built up and rivers surrounded what was once an habitual occurrence. From the longing in her gut to the numbness of her soul, she had to hold on to them. These memories are all she had left.

               Delphine had never imagined herself mixed up in corporate charades when she pursued her doctorate. She wanted to heal, she wanted to fix, she wanted answers. She had never imagined falling in love. She had never imagined a future with someone. Delphine had imagined concluding answers from the hypothesis she had inquired. It was all a matter of facts, with variables she could record. But what does one do when the hypothesis included the person she holds in her fortress, behind the rivers, behind the trees in her heart. What does one do when the one thing she holds most dear to her heart is a constant variable. It seemed logical at the time, to end things. It was never meant to be a permanent stance. The break up was meant to be a sense of protection, a protection of her promise, and of the woman of which her heart belonged to, Cosima.

               Less than twelve hours ago Cosima was standing before Delphine, professing something both women knew to be true. That there were still feelings. There was still love. But Delphine knew it still wasn't the time. Her mind was constantly trembling back to the moment Cosima told her that she came back for her. Told her she almost died. Their kiss, feeling the women's lips, which she missed most. Having the woman, the person she had promised, protected, and owned her heart near was the only thing fluttering through her mind the entire morning. She had always worried that she may lose Cosima to her illness. But Cosima's profession had made this fear more real. Delphine's mind was approximately eleven million places this morning, but constantly going back to one, Cosima.

               Her coffee had become bitterly cold. She glazed out the window trying to decipher an action to take. Cosima had resigned from her position at the DYAD Institute, and Delphine understood why. It would be one of the final threads pulled swiftly away of the sweater that held the two together. The blonde had to have a plan how to protect the younger woman, the woman that was seemingly push her farther and farther away. Delphine knew Cosima was doing this so she could move on, but that was her fear, if Cosima moved on there would never be another chance, there would never be anymore memories of intertwining fingers, or anything to store in her fortress. She pulled out her phone and stared at the screen, contemplating anything she could say. What would she say? I'm sorry? I love you? This isn't how things should be? But they are. That was made very apparent last night. Cosima loved Delphine but she had to move on. She had to leave DYAD. She had to leave Delphine.

               Her entire plan had gone to shit. If she had never promised to love all the sisters, if she could only love Cosima they could still be together. She would never have been manipulated into becoming the Director of the DYAD, she would never have to worry about the greater good of the LEDA sisters, she could simply make crazy science with the woman she loved. She could have established trust. Trust. That was the one thing she wishes she had made Cosima promise. To trust her. She never required any promises. Delphine never asked Cosima to hold any promises to her, that was her mistake. While Cosima made constant threats to her career and in regards to their relationship, Delphine only asked for the younger girls health and heart. The blonde only wanted to be allowed to love her. But now that wasn't even her place. She had pleaded with Cosima that they were in this together. That she needed the DYAD for her safety. That she had to be concerned for anyone that she could come close to. But it still wasn't enough, Cosima was convinced that she could not trust Delphine, and that her worries only stemmed from the jealousy of the woman that had taken her place in the brunette's bed. Delphine worried that this new woman had replaced her in Cosima's heart.

               It was then, mid-trance that Delphine heard a buzzer, her assistant explaining that Cosima was here to see her. What more could she possibly say to her. How much longer could she stay strong while facing the brunette? Each their own hypothesis, with conclusions yet to be known. Her assistant explains that Cosima believes her new girlfriend is the mole. But that's not the cause of the sudden warmth Delphine is experiencing. When she hears the elevator doors open she knows the footsteps all too well. Her eyes darting out the window but her mind is tracing the rivers and trees back to her fortress.


	2. Two

 

 

               "Now you come to me, because, now you believe your girlfriend is a mole for Castor." It comes off much more monotone than I expected. It is safer that way after all. To have no emotion. To appear cold. I would be lying if I denied the fact this wasn't easier with her hating me.

               "I don't know whether she is or not" Cosima exhales. She's tired. Whether it be the current banter; or her illness, or the whirlwind that has occurred over the past year or so. 

               She stutters, "But, uh, there are things about here that don't line up, anymore." Cosima should be used to this by now. One would think. But how does anyone become used to the uncertainty, the discoveries that she has recently experienced. That's one of the things that drew me to Cosima. The sympathetic views towards watching how she was being treated. I couldn't stand by and let this happen to her. She didn't deserve it. Cosima wasn't meant to be owned by anyone. She was a free spirit. I even mistakenly assumed her to be my free spirit at one time. But that was no longer the case.

               "Why should I help?" I ask coming back to my senses. "You resigned." Which is true. Though I would like to believe that after everything, the hurt, the love, the anger; that we could come back to this. This undefined, linear story arch that seems to be our routine. No matter what would happen to this woman, I would move whatever mountains I met on my journey to protect her. Whether or not she would ever admit it, Cosima knew it to be true as well.

               "You said I could never quit DYAD. You were right. I screwed up. I admit it. We're in this bullshit together and we both need Castor gone." She counters as though this is a business proposal. She and I are at similar points. We cannot bear any emotions, possibly because of the past twenty four hours of emotional bouts. I have seen Cosima at her rawest, true self; I would like to believe. Yet I have never witnessed her at this point. The one thing I could always rely on were her emotions, and today they seemed to be lacking. She wasn't even at a pleading point. Today there were only requests and facts.

               "What are you not telling me?" I demand. I need to know that she trusts me. I need to know what LEDA is hiding. I need to know what curveballs I will encounter. I need reassurance that she still wants me on her side.

               "That Sarah's in London right now trying to kill the Castor Original" Cosima spurts out.

               To say I am shocked would be an understatement. I'm torn. Between the new found knowledge and the reveal that she trusts me. Even though it may be a last ditch effort for Cosima; I cannot help but still feel the desire to protect her.

                "If Castor did translate the book, they'll be right on her heels. We need to know who gave them that book." She finishes.

                "Then leave it with me." I promise.

               She pulls the small yellow book out of her bag, placing it gently on my desk. Cosima looks up to meet my gaze, opening her faint red lips she inhales. It takes all my will power to not speak, instead the corners of my mouth bend up. She nods as if to say something, but is there anything left to say at all? Cosima turns to leave, every pace faster than the last.

               "Wait." It's barely a whisper. As her left foot hit the threshold I couldn't help myself. What seems like the fastest and slowest turn around in my entire life, she's staring at me. Her eyes much softer this time. I instantly lose every wall I held only moments ago. It is the reason these past few months I limit our time together. I can't appear soft, I need to be Dr. Comier, there is no room for Delphine at the DYAD. Delphine got shipped off to Frankfurt. But Cosima is the one soul capable of turning Dr. Cormier into Delphine.

               "Thank you." I state quietly, holding back tears.

               "Delphine?" It's the first time she's used my name since entering my office. It's as though she's finally acknowledging me.

               I swear until the day I die my name in her voice will be the sweetest sound to my ears. My right arm springs over my stomach. My left hand sprints to my mouth to cover a sob. "I am sorry." I whisper. This brilliant brunette is walking over to me. My eyes start to swell, fighting back with all my power to not succumb to the tears. She's leaning against the desk nearly inches away from me, with her bag on the gound. I can't recall her stride over to me but her hand pulls my left hand. There's no dance of fingers, but she holds it in both of hers.

               "I know." She states.

               "Je'taime." I sob.

               An exhale escapes her. "I know." She states again. "Like I said, you and I, Delphine, we are in this bullshit together. We might have not asked to be, but we are and there is nothing we can do about it. I can't say what the future will hold, even if it will hold the two of us, but I know we need to survive this to find out. And if we do, we will have a huge amount to work though. But like I said, we are in this bullshit together. And like you said, we need to play our parts." She places my hand gently on my lap, lingering long enough to drag her thumb over it. Before she walks away she offers a kind smile.

               Cosima has left, left me to determine the best action with Shay. I vowed to handle this, and with her words I know what I must do. I build my walls and make a phone call. I am going to Shay's apartment, and I will know who Shay really is.


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember my unhappiness with Season 3? This is where I break away.

                Walking around Shay's apartment I can understand why Cosima needed this. This tiny space was inviting. It did not offer the coldness of the lab, the memories of the loft. It made me reminiscent of her apartment in Minnesota.  I was burdened how Shay could offer her this, a home, a safe place from clones, institutes, and everything I was a reminder for. But then there was Shay. She was obviously frightened. Could this really be an act? It would be a lie to say I was partially blinded by my dislike of the smaller woman. She offered her bed to Cosima, when I still viewed the dreaded scientist as my own. Yes, I had ended it, but I was not prepared to experience the jealousy. I was never one to feel such a possession over any other human being. I was merely driven by the science, and my scholastics. I wasn't even truly fond of myself. I wasn't the nicest person. I always saw the problem, and saw the solution and summed them together. I didn't see a care for living unless there was knowledge to be discovered. Until I met her, the person that changed everything. She taught me how to feel. But now I was in her space, a space she shared with Shay. It was a mixture of emotions. I wanted to dissolve the issue. I couldn't see straight. If she could just give me a reason right now I could finish this right now. Without her, there would be a chance again.  And if she is the spy, the facade that gave CASTOR the book, I would have every right. I heard a ringing, focusing on my phone I see it's Cosima.

               "What is it?" I answer hastily. She knows I am taking care of the issue at hand, but she doesn't need to know how. She wouldn't approve of such methods. But that is the difference between us, I have to make the hard decisions and she judges them.

               "Hey! How's it going?" Her tone is uncomfortable. Her attempt to be casual is failing.

               "Wonderful, I'm kind of busy." This isn't the time to chat, this conversation is wanted, yes. But not now, I cannot allow her to know where I am. "What do you need?"

               "I'm sorry, but the thing that I said about Shay, it wasn't her" NO. It had to be her. This was my reasoning. This was my solution.  "It wasn't her that took the book." Cosima explained. The predicament. There was no way to come out of this unscathed. I could end Shay now. But would I want to do that to Cosima. I would inevitably be to blame, even if I made it seem as though Castor did it; Cosima would still be hurt. That's not what I want. It would fix anything between the two of us. "I can be at your apartment in an hour to explain" Cosima says. There's a glimmer of hope in her voice. That glimmer will have been faded when she discovers what happened today. What I did today.

               "Okay." I replay solemnly.

 

               Forty five minutes later I'm opening a bottle of scotch. I might as well be numb for what's on the horizon.  This will play out like any conflict she and I encounter; doors slamming, Cosima yelling, and both of us in tears. I question if either of us have any tears left? "At least she can't kick me out of my own apartment" I whisper, quietly chuckling to myself. And then I heard her knock. It's nearly unnerving. I expected her, but not on time. I can only assume she's in a rush to get this over with as well.

               Opening the door, she smiles sadly, "So it was Gracie Johannson. CASTOR made her a deal that she could be reunited with Mark if she gave something to them." She didn't even allow me time to welcome her in she was already leaning against the kitchen counter facing me. As she expodites her words she begins inspecting my half empty glass and the bottled evidence beside it. She winces at her conclusion, and looks up to me, directly in my eyes.

               "So Johannson is the Mole? And you felt the need to tell me this in person?" It seemed odd, why she could have just said this on the phone. It was not an in depth story. It would have prevented the guilt I feel when she looks at me like she is. Her eyes obviously sad, like she's waiting for me to confess. Could it be possible that she has already spoken with Shay?

               "I guess, I wanted to get to you before you got to Shay." Cosima retorts. A blow to the gut. Cosima doesn't know. Shay is safe, physically. She is most likely damaged emotionally a bit.

               "She's safe." I promise. I can't bring myself to go into detail. Cosima doesn't need to know this now, eventually she'll find out there is no doubt for that. But for this moment she has no need to know the contents of my day.

               "Okay, cool." She smiles gently. She seems to be waiting for something, but I cannot decipher what the wait is for.

               "It's late, I have meetings early in the morning" I try to allow her a reason to go. I'm in a limbo, to be obvious we both are. She no longer works with me, for me, and she is no longer with me, nor for me. There isn't any need for us to be here, together, in my home at this hour.

               "It's really tiring hating one another, isn't it?" Cosima states. It comes from out of left field. This isn't a place to have this discussion, but she is evidently ready to confront it.

               "I could never hate you. I am upset, with you, with myself, with the situation." I try to remain calm. Focused. I am aware of my sincerity, but I question if she is able to have that same awareness. Walking over to her, to grab the glass, I quickly take a sip. I know where this is going, and I need to prepare.

               "Upset enough to replace wine for something harder?" Cosima asks.

               I stare for maybe a moment too long, "Is that an accusation or a statement?" I can't help but take the defense. This is becoming ritualistic. We are merely inches apart, facing one another and I'm just waiting for the moment that the magnetic bond that connects us, to flip and repel us. That's the only scientific solution I have come to believe. It all depends on which way our magnets are facing.

               Cosima leans forward, close enough for me to feel her breath. "Statement." She whispers, and it sends a chill through me. She has the ability to walk through my fortress walls like they are doors, opening at every entrance without a second guess. Within moments my hands are cupping her cheeks and my lips are gently on hers. It's not warranted, but it's not unwelcomed. Her hands pull at the back of my neck as she seeks to deepen the kiss, as I feel her tongue against my lips, welcoming them gracefully. I lose myself in her, I can't bring myself to part this time. But after several more endearing kisses, she brings her hands around my waist, and pulls her mouth away.

               "Can we just like, not talk tonight, not acknowledge everything around us, and just be together?" She asks, never breaking eye contact.


	4. Four

               The sheets of my bed were ruffled in the corners, barely covering our legs that intertwined like we had planted roots into the mattress. I felt as I was home, even though literally I was in my home, figuratively I had finally found my way home. Even though it was quite possibly only temporary. How can I not feel as though nothing in the world matters when I have Cosima's face in the nook of my neck. Feeling the warmth of her breath on my chest. The vanilla, herbal scent of her skin. It's a reminder of what I have spent months fighting for, what I will continue to fight for. I didn't want to allow myself to fall asleep and miss this, a moment that I was not sure I would be able to experience again. Then I heard it, the rumbling in her chest. Though she has neglected to take any of the tests, I knew it was a reality that she would need another treatment soon. The harsh cough awakened her and I pulled her closer, rubbing circles on her back.

               "I've missed you, this, us." Cosima whispered against my skin. I could feel the fire beneath my skin with her words. "It just always felt right, feels right."

               "I know, mon amour." I whisper back above her head.

               "Why are we doing this to each other, Delphine?" She asks, it's a loaded question for one in the morning.  She lifts her chin to look me in the eyes, and though its dark, I can still focus on her beautiful brown orbs. "I love you, and when you love someone, when you're completely head over heels in love with someone, that someone is your world. I can't help but feel like I lost my world these past few months and it's killing me, Delphine." The words come out quietly and seem to have been overpowered by her tears. I fight the urge to kiss her, because as much as that's what I desire to do at the moment, it is more important that we talk about this, and finally confront the issue.

               "I know what you mean" I reply quietly as my hand cups her cheek. I want to make comments of how could you run to her, Shay? How could you be so cruel and flaunt her in front of me? How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Instead "I thought I could force my emotions and brain to not want this, but I realized it's not something I want. You are something I need Cosima. I did not feel before you, and obviously I lacked that after you as well."

               "Why would you want to live without this? I know you said your reasons, I know I make the situation harder for you, but why, if this feels so right?" She's becoming more awake, which means I have to decipher how to solve this. I am not ready to lose her for the night, I still have several more hours of this. What's done is done. Cosima is already here, so anyone who witnessed or knew of her presence, would already know.

               "Cosima, as good as this feels right now, as right as it feels; we are able to hurt each other just as much. I have hurt you, you have hurt me; Although we feel we are fighting for the other in the best interest, the other, you and I, seem to never see it that way." I try to remain even toned throughout my words, I fear that she will run. "We have a foundation of lies, which I am to blame, yes. But we keep building these lies to have leverage, not only against TOPSIDE and CASTOR, but over one another as well. I do not doubt your feelings for me, and I hope that out of everything I have said to you, you believe my love. But this is not a relationship, you see?" It hurts to voice these concerns. I haven't even voiced them to myself truthfully. The words seem to be spilling out with no stopping.

               "But it's our relationship. Delphine, do you not believe in us? Do you not think we can work through this?" Cosima stammers. She's desperate, and emotional. I can see the tears formulate in her eyes, spilling down her blushed cheeks.

               "Ma Cherie, I can only ask for so much forgiveness. I can only ask you to trust me so many times. I can't keep going on like this. Yes, I gave your samples to Leekie, after you asked me not to. Yes, I proceeded with treatment after I found out the stem cells belonged to Kira. But I did so to keep you alive. I understand how hurt and angry you were..." I'm raw. The words I have held in for months seem to be overflowing and I cannot stop, I am afraid of how I will handle what will come next, of how she will handle it as well. "But I would do both again to have you here today. I apologize that I kept them from you but I will not apologize for going forth with everything. I would rather have you alive, to do whatever it is with whomever you desire, then the alternative." My voice is stern. I didn't mean to acknowledge her involvement with Shay. However, if I'm expressing my concerns, I shall express them all.

               "This isn't how I wanted to end tonight." Cosima explains as she's lifting herself up. "I'm angry, I slept with Shay. Is that what you want me to apologize for?" Hastily she's grabbing her clothes off the floor.

               "I never asked for an apology Cosima!" And here we have it. The fight, she's angry and leaving and I'm desperate and pleading.

               "You broke up with me. You show up and follow me. You leave me to die. And when I come back for you, you tell me our love isn't enough for a relationship. That we're not healthy for this relationship!" She's yelling, there are no longer tears on her face, everything is just rage. I have come to know this side of Cosima from the beginning. I can't help but go after her, grabbing her arm, still presently bare.

               "Je t'aime." I say pulling her into my body. "I would never leave you! I want to make this work. I have to make this work. It's killing me. Do you understand?" I plead, I beg. I need her to not leave. I need her to understand me in this moment. "I do not expect or need your apologies Cosima." I whisper. " I need you." I promise.  Her eyes are glimmering, searching for my truth. "Please believe me. Please trust me, Cosima." I ask.

               She pulls me in her arms, and kindly guides me back to the bed. She lays down beside me, softly kissing my temple as she moves her arm to rest on my abdomen.  "Sorry for uh, breaking the rule for not talking tonight." She conjures.

               "Let us sleep mon amour." I proclaim as I intertwine my hand with hers, pulling it up for a gentle kiss on her palm, only to rest on my abdomen after. "We will talk, and we will work through this together." I vow as I hear her breath even as slumber hits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos are always welcome, as well as comments :)


	5. Five

               As the sun was entering the cusp of the horizon, I was forcing myself out of slumber. Sarah was to return today with the original genome as leverage, but at the same time Ferdinand. To say the previous day had been a hurdle on this track that I had been running these past few months was an understatement. Today was going to be hectic, and long. There was no way around it. I would be lying to myself if I said I had grown used to the constant battles, the wagering of lives. It was like each day was a bet with myself, whether I would survive to night, to only wake up in the same surroundings wagering the next day. To be honest, it wasn't so much my life I worried about anymore. Like many of the Directors before me, I assumed I would be tossed aside when they felt I had given all I could, when there was nothing left to take. But I was still asking who "they" were. I knew of DYAD, CASTOR, and TOPSIDE; and how I needed to protect LEDA because of my promise to Cosima, but how could I even trust the sisters. And then there was her. The one who brought me into this fight. She was the reason I was fighting. With her arms still wrapped around me, and her body still fast asleep, I knew why I had to fight today.  My meeting was in two hours and I had to get going to prepare. Sarah's plane should be landing any minute, and I had to get up.

               I pressed a kiss against Cosima's temple and I could see her smile in her sleep. Although nothing seemed to be resolved last night, I was content that I made my feelings of the smaller woman known. She had yet to acknowledge any wrong doing on her part, but she wouldn't be the woman I love if she had. I slowly shifted out of bed and guided her body down to the pillow slowly. She still had time left to enjoy her rest. As I quietly moved towards the kitchen to brew my coffee, that would be ready for consuming after my shower I noticed a lift in my step. I felt more at peace than I have in months. I couldn't help but assume it was from Cosima's presence over the night.

               While drying off from my shower I shuffled over to my closet only to be stricken with the knowledge that my bed was empty. The smaller woman was no longer fast asleep. Would it be possible she had left? Without saying goodbye? I frantically entered the kitchen in my near bare state to be met with the grin I cherished above all.                       

               "Still like your coffee black?" Cosima asked, brushing her lips against mine while handing me the mug. "I have to run home to grab some things before work, but I was wondering if you had plans for tonight." nudging her now empty hands over my waist.

               I can't help but return the smile, "I do not have anything planned for tonight, but I am not positive what time I will be able to leave work." I answer honestly. The thought of being able to see her again tonight is thrilling, but I am well aware of what is to occur today.

               "Well the sisters and I were going to Allison's shop for a family dinner tonight. And I think, well I would like you to be there with me?" She stutters. I can see she is trying to decipher what this means. Her minds ticking with anticipation and I can't deny her hopes.

               "It would be an honor." I truly mean it. I cannot think of a place I would rather be than by her side. The fact that I would even be welcomed to have dinner with Cosima and her sisters is something I would only hope for after all the disasters we have encountered together. I can't help but pull her closer and hold her. If this is the solution to all the problems that I have endured, I would gladly endure them over and over again. With one last lingering kiss, she gracefully pulls away with a promise to see me tonight.

 

 

               With blood on my shirt I am still shaking.  Neolution is behind everything. They are the "they" that has been pulling the strings. I can't help but feel like I have failed. I did my time with Neolution, and I allowed them to work underneath my nose without ever picking up a scent. Sarah was protecting the original genome, and I had warned her. Though I was devastated by the events of the day, I felt as though I was more of team LEDA than I have before. But then there was Nealon's threat. "You won't live 'til morning." The words were plaguing the back of my brain. I knew not to take this threat lightly, as soon as I entered the basement room with Nealon all of my guards had seemed to vanish. One can only assume they were working for Neolution as well. It was getting late and I had promised Cosima to meet her on the outskirts of the city at Allison's shop.

               The drive is deafening. Nealon's words continuously on repeat throughout my head. My nerves are getting the better of me. Nearly thirteen hours ago I saw the end of this madness, I saw the light through all of this darkness, I saw my life coming together. I felt the opportunity to return to my normal life, to share a life with Cosima; but now I was forced with the harshness of the choices I have made. I had agreed to monitor Cosima. I had fallen for Cosima. I vowed to protect Cosima and all of her sisters, and from the first greeting, to now, which would undoubtedly be my last, I couldn't help but find the irony of it all. My two great loves, science and this woman would lead me to my final breaths. And now I would have to face Cosima, and try to not falter.

               As I parked right in front of the shop and quickly texted her to let her know of my arrival. I gather my keys and collect myself, reassuring myself of my decision.                         

               "Hey, you came." Cosima assures as she is stepping outside the door to the shop readjusting her jacket.

               "Unfortunately I... I, I can't stay." I explain. My voice is starting to stutter and I'm worried she'll become aware.

               "Oh, just for a little bit?" She asks. It's a quiet beg, she doesn't want to allow me an out.

               "I'm sorry." It seems like an apology for more than the lack of time I am providing tonight. As if I want her to know that I am regretful of my leaving her without any explanation, of any warning, as I have been forced to do so in the past. "I need you to keep the sequenced genome safe, and Kendall Malone far away." I ask more than demand. I need a reminder that she will be okay. Not just the sisters, but that Cosima will stay safe.

               "Oh, um, Mrs. S is good at that stuff. She's got a plan." She promises.

               "Okay." I'm losing words. There are so many things I want to say but cannot find the strength to. I am trying to avoid her eyes, for the fear that I will break.

               "I know why you did everything you did." She says intently searching my gaze.  "To Shay. Everything. I'm sorry I made you make those hard choices, and then blame you for them." There's love in her words. As well as I have claimed to know Cosima, I have never known the side of her to express this. Possibly the night on the couch when we finally confessed our love for one another. I start to break, I can feel the tears in my eyes. She had finally voiced the words I had longed to hear. I grab her face, cupping it, rubbing my thumb across her cheek. I lean into her before she has a chance to move. Tasting her lips, I find it nearly impossible to pull away. But as I feel reality creep back, I move away with my thumb still gliding where my lips just where.

               "Give your sisters all my love." Is all I can voice. It's the promise that brought us here. I must move quickly, not sure if Neolution is aware of my attendance and not wanting to put the sisters in any danger I turn towards my car. The tears behind my eyes have begin to fall and I have to head back to DYAD, to see if there's any more advances I can find before they find me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wait before you hate.


	6. Six

              It's probably the most obvious place to find me. To say I live at the DYAD lately would not be an understatement. As I turned into the garage, I began to question my decision to not say more to Cosima. I should have told her I loved her. I should have kissed her one more time. I should have let her know how much she changed me, for the better, how she taught me to feel, fully. I could only assume that this is how a person handles a death sentence. One would focus on love and regrets. I selfishly wondered if Cosima would care of my absence, and if so, for how long? As I found my parking spot I collected myself once again, I had to be presentable to who I may run into the late hours of the night. The last thing I wanted was to have people guess that something was off.

               A little reluctant, I stretch my left leg out first grabbing my bag from the passenger seat. I have about thirty feet from the car to the door and can't help but believe that it is the furthest thirty feet of my existence. With one last long inhale, I step completely out of the car and attempt to scope out the surroundings, quickly shutting the door. As proper as one can be given the circumstances, I begin my journey to the door, replaying Cosima's recent words in my head. "I'm sorry I made you make those hard choices, and then blame you for them." They were the words I have wish she had spoken sooner. But then again love and regret, I could not allow myself to be consumed by the two, I had to see if there was anything else I could do, any more knowledge I could come in to.

               I started to hear strides behind my own. It did not sound as though they were the thumps of a guard, though a guard could undoubtedly work for Neolution as well. These steps were lighter. I was worried my paranoia was starting to kick in. I continued, hearing the click-clack of the steps that did not belong to me, I had to find the courage to know, I could not allow this to happen without the knowledge of whom these thumps belonged to. As I approached the last car before the door I had to find irony in it all. It was white. Metaphorically speaking I couldn't resist, I stopped with a deep breath and set my bag aside on the cold concrete floor. Some sick part of me wanted it to be Cosima, but that part was irrational. I wanted her to be the last face I saw. Everything occurred so quickly, turning around and seeing her. Of course. I have been fooled before; Leekie, Rachel, even Sarah Manning herself. This one dug deeper. I could feel myself nodding, accepting what I had recently convibed myself to be untrue, and the only thought rumbling through my head, "What will happen to her?" I wasn't fully aware if I had actually voiced it. And then I unwelcomed the loudest noise my ears have ever heard, and an unbearable pain in my right side. I realized I was on the floor beside my bag.

 

               _"_ _Oh, like... I have never thought about bisexuality. I mean, for myself, you know? But, as a scientist, I know that sexuality, is a... is a... is a spectrum. But you know, social biases they, codified attraction. It's contrary to the biological facts... you know." I try to reason. The words seem to be fumbling over one another, but I'm hoping she can gather their meaning._

_"That's... oddly romantic. And totally encouraging." She grins, leaning into me. Her words set me a fire, I can't help but grab her face, and taste her lips. I have been with lovers before but this was different. I have intentions for her, not to only bring her to climax, but to know her body. Scientifically I should be intrigued by the causes of her ticks, but this is so much more, it's her mind I'm after. Her mind is as brilliant as her body, and her body is doing crazy things to me. There are so many thoughts running through my head, and then there is one, I need to taste her. I run my tongue along her bottom lip, languid and slow, letting my full intentions known. She gladly welcomes my seeking with a slight flick or her own. I can't help but think that it's a sign of defense, and I need to persuade her otherwise. Her cardigan is dropping to the floor and I need to even the playing field. I free my hands from her face to pull off my top, while slowing guiding her towards the bed. She reminds me of Christmas morning. She is the gift under the tree I never knew I needed, and now can't bear the thought of living without. Hastily I tug at the hem of her tank top, I crave more skin. I've realized we've stopped moving when she begins unbuckling my skirt, I smile at her similar intentions and move my mouth lower, placing feather like kisses along her pulse point, across her clavicle. She remains much more calm as my unsteady fingers are fumbling pulling down her lower attire and she catches my face for a moment._

The scorching heat is burning my entire body. The pains spreading and I'm trying to do all I can to put pressure on the wounds. The shooter is walking over to me quietly. Patronizing me. Waving the gun near my face seemingly nonchalant. I can't help but assume I am not the first victim. I am not the first to have been shot by these hands. These hands were something I could never learn to accept.

 

               _"Hey, is this too fast?" She whispers through her grin while gently caressing my face._

_"Non. This is perfect." I confirm, caught in her eyes, I feel like I could gaze for hours on end. She twists us around and guides me to the bed, motioning me to lay back. I sigh at the loss of contact. I need to feel her. There's a tickly feeling in my chest, but soon it's just an afterthought as I feel her palm moving up my thigh._

 

               I am forcing my eyes open, I need to see the situation at hand. I cannot allow myself to be a victim.  

               "You know I knew this girl once. She tried to kill herself with a shot to the head. But when she pulled the trigger she got scared and it jolted her arm. She ended up shooting herself right were you have. It was painful the Doctor's said. She would have died so much quicker, and more peacefully, if she would have not let fear consume her." She mocked me. "I think the time will do you well to think, and don't worry, I fully intend to be good to Cosima." She said winking as she walked away. I grimace. My entire body paralyzed by the altercation. I am unable to collect myself. I feel the tickle stir back in my chest. The jealous fear that I would lose. That I have lost.

              

               _Her body is warmth. Her body is knowledge. Her body is home. She trails kisses over my chest, stopping at my sternum, coming back to my face to allow me to taste her lips again. She breaks away, staring into my eyes, "You're so beautiful." She says. I can't help but pull her down again. I need to feel her, I need to know her. I need Cosima._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wait before you Hate.
> 
> Kudos and Comments are always welcome.


	7. Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter was the most difficult for me to write. It had never occurred to me that I had developed a grudge against Cosima after this season. So writing from her point of view was rather a challenge. Also I have changed the outline of the story significantly. For the sake of actual plot I have cut some chapters that may work out better as one-shots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter is from Cosima's View.

**COSIMA**

 

               Watching the car drive away I needed a moment to comprehend what had just happened. I wanted Delphine to stay. Like really wanted. But she refused. I even tried to apologize. I did actually apologize. I never wanted this, any of it; I love Delphine, my heart belongs to her. I've tried to get over her, by getting under someone else and it obvs didn't work. She was the reason I survived, and now she was leaving me again. I couldn't fathom it all. Less than twelve hours ago everything seemed like it was aligning. And now she was leaving. But something seemed off. She seemed off.

               Delphine had ended things so easily, so cool outside Felix's loft. In her collective, cold manner she couldn't even show a damn sign of emotion. She wouldn't even acknowledge my feelings. They didn't matter. She was making choices without consulting me. I thought we had moved past that, I assumed that she was well aware on my feelings of being considered in our relationship. But what is there to consider when the relationship is nonexistent?    

               To say I lost myself is an understatement. I struggled with having my heart broken, more than most. I didn't know how to handle the issues at hand. My life has pretty much consisted of storms this past year, and she was always the eye of my storms, well occasionally. I couldn't help why she told me what she did. Last night and this morning reminded me of the good parts of us. The time where she would hide her feelings. She may have routinely hidden her truths, her life, her past, but she was considerately open when it came to how she felt about me, us. And now she was quick, uncomfortably so, and never announcing her feelings of me, only to give all me sisters her love. What does that mean? I apologized and she kissed me. She looked like there were tears in her eyes and she kissed me. But never once did she say anything but, give all my sisters all her love. I decided I had too much air, and needed to return to dinner.

              

               I know they're talking to me, I can hear them, but the words aren't registering. I'm quieting nodding and going through the smiles I assume they are expecting. Everyone has finished eating, and while I am supposed to be enjoying my sister's company I can't help trying to come up with every scenario that could happen. Was she hiding something from me? Would she be leaving again? Why was everything so short?  What is she not telling me? My paranoia was getting me, all of me and I needed air. As fast as my body would allow I stood up, grabbed my coat and headed for the door. I was ready to talk. I was ready to fix this. I was tired of avoiding.

               I feared calling in front of everyone would be an annoyance. Felix would comment I was "pinning." Sarah would make her snarky remarks, and I preferred to be alone. Part of me wanted to call Shay. There was part of me that assumed I would have to stop fighting for something that was never going to be possible, to grow up and accept the fate. Shay wasn't bad. She was different, but definitely a good and much needed different. It wasn't difficult. But then it occurred to me where we had left off. How would I overcome Delphine's obscene threat, and my inability to admit my truths. Our last conversation is what allowed me to understand the difficulties that Delphine had faced. I couldn't reveal certain secrets to Shay, not because I didn't want her to know, but because those secrets could hurt her. I didn't want that life for her. She didn't deserve it. Delphine was the opposite. She had been aware of the secrets probably before myself. But she had her own secrets that she had to keep from me, most likely to keep me safe.

               I stared at the screen on my phone for awhile, trying to find the courage to talk. I needed to know if everything was okay. I needed to know that there was no need to worry. I thought, "Fuck it, what have I got to lose." As I dialed and put the phone to my ear I started to feel my heartbeat in the back of my throat. The first ring felt fast, forced. The second seemed comfortable, I was finally ready. The third ring started to worry me. Why was Delphine not answering. Halfway through the fourth ring it stopped.          

               "Hello." I could hear Delphine's voice. She seemed breathy and harsh. I had probably just woken this girl up. But she was supposedly at work, catching up. Had she fallen asleep at her desk.

               "Hi, Delphine...I wanted to say I'm sorry for how things are. I love you and as much as I would have preferred if you had stayed...I understand that you're busy, you know...helping." I can feel the words rushing, not allowing time for them to be processed. "So I guess I should apologize, and I...I should be  thanking you." I stutter. I should have spent more time thinking of what to say. I'm not even fully aware if I am registering my words myself.

               "Cosima," She coughs, and I swear I hear a resemblance of a whine. "I cannot talk." I can hear the exhale that sounds shaky, followed by a more uneven inhale.

               "Delphine..." I cut her off, "is everything okay?" Everything tonight seems off, and I need to rid myself of this heavy feeling. I need her reassurance.

               "Ma Cherie, Je t'aime." Delphine's words are struggling, her breathing between sounds clogged.

               "Where are you?" I hurriedly ask, suddenly I feel a time restraint. "I need to see you." I demand. My demands have never gotten me far with the blonde, but a girl can hope.

               "I do not think that is possible..." She is silent for what seems longer than necessary. I can only hear breathing, which is growing more irregular, like she's struggling, and then I hear it, the sob. The word flashes me back to her first confession.

              

_"I wasn't supposed to fall for you, I didn't want to, but I have." She cries._

_"How can I possibly believe that?" I contour. She has lied, Delphine has used me. How can she expect me to ever relearn trust with her._

_"Because you feel it too. It's not, it's not a lie. It's not possible." She explains. It's true I feel it, but I also felt trust with her, and I no longer feel that either._

               "It is possible Delphine! Where are you?" I can hear myself shouting. I feel it. I trust you I want to say. I am so wrapped in the phone call that I am startled when I notice Sarah's presence.

               "Cos, what's wrong?" She whispers. I can't hide the tears, and the obvious issue that I am shouting on the phone.

               " Something's happened to Delphine." I mouth the words. I don't want to risk missing anything Delphine could say at this moment.

               "What? Where is she?" Sarah asks. As if she can't possibly recall what she had just previously heard me shouting.

               I try again, "Delphine, where are you?" I hear what sounds like a sharp exhale, followed by the sound of a dropped call.


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halfway through the story, and things are starting to come together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now we return to Delphine's narrative.
> 
>  
> 
> Also, this chapter is for you babygay.

               My heart got the better part of me. It must be a side effect of it's pulse deteriorating. It wanted a glimmer of hope, of remembrance. That's the only explanation I can suffice myself with for the moment. The only reason I haphazardly answered the call. It was too hard to speak, to let Cosima know. I was not aware of the time that had passed, nor how far Shay had gotten. I could not let Cosima know where I was. I know it wasn't fair, and if roles were reversed, my thoughts were ramblings. I knew I had to take control over what had happened. I was a doctor, I knew how to fix this, or at least prolong. I would not be honest with myself if I ignored the part of me that wished for this. An ending to exasperating present situation. I could be gone. I would no longer have to struggle, I have made my peace with Cosima, and I would no longer endure the constant battles with all that surrounds my current situation.

               The doctor portion of me was winning. I slowly pulled off my jacket, excruciatingly slow; the muscles in my abdomen obviously torn by the bullet. I inspected the jacket until I found the hole, meaning the bullet had gone through me. This was good news. Shay would have been smarter if she hit further north. She messed up I ponder. I could feel my lungs growing more restricted from the oxygen coming in through the hole. This would be unavoidable, but I could limit it. Struggling, I yanked my purse closer to my body. Rummaging through I spot my pocket tool, I could use the scissors to cut my jacket to apply pressure around my waist. This idea would prolong my death.  As I try to pull out the scissors, my mind remembers the worm-like item from Nealon. What was the purpose of the worm, what were the abilities that it possessed. It saddened me that it's knowledge would be left here with me in this lot. The sample still in my purse. I should have told Cosima. Now, Neolution would have me and the sample. When were they planning on collecting their trash I wondered. My eyes are growing heavy, it's becoming intensely hard  for my brain to focus,  this is it. I cannot be my own doctor. I can surrender, I am exasperated. I have failed.

 

               _This may be my first experience with Cosima but I want it to be everything to her. I want her to only want me. I selfishly want her to blame me for ruining all the other women in the world for her. If she feels half of what I do, I can find this a bearable task. She is absolutely stunning, her dreads spread across the pillow on which her head rests. Her giggles with her cheeky tongue teasing out of her teeth. The hint of her breasts, glimmering behind her bra. My brain does everything it can to memorize her body. The tone of her abdomen, where her crafty hands now lay, to the curve of her hips where mine have seemed to be placed. I cannot help but return the smile. This is more, I can tell she feels it as well._

_I lean forward to catch her lips with mine, I need to make her feel as I have felt only moments before. The euphoric feeling that I am hers, I need to declare her mine. Her hands move behind my neck to pull my in deeper but I am refusing to move my hands north. I push myself up a bit looking for the yes in her eyes to let me proceed. Her smile provides me all that I need. I slowly move my hand from her hip, gliding my finger towards her center. I can only hope she assumes I am teasing rather than allowing nerves to get the better part of me. I nudge her underwear aside and stroke her heat. She's excited, she's excited because of me, and I need to see through that her excitement is fulfilled. I bring my finger to her clit, encircling it several times, enjoying the stunning woman's body jerk. She moans my name, "Delphine!" I guide my finger to her entrance trying to recall exactly as she had done to my. First the first finger, teasing, in and out, but only to my knuckle. Her breath is getting more uneven, as I tentatively add a second finger, pushing for more depth._

_"I want you to come for me, ma cherie." I husk. I know how I liked to be talked to, and I know how my lover's in the past have preferred, but I am still learning Cosima. I want this to be perfect for her. I continue my thrusts and lean closer to her for a chaste kiss. Moving my lips across her jaw line back to her ear, licking and sucking the lobe. I bite gently down her neck, constantly trying to remain focused on my pace below. I become a little more risky, and start to curl my fingers as the pull out, only to push with them straight. She seems to enjoy the new ability and I move my lips to her breasts._

_"I...I'm com--ming for yo-u Delphine!" she gasps. I knew it wouldn't be long before it were true. "God, Delphine." I pick up my pace, ignoring the cramping pain in my arm. I need to hear my name on her lips, in her voice._

               "Delphine!" I hear, I cannot see, my lids too heavy to lift. "God, Delphine." I can place the voice but my brain doesn't register the owner. "Sarah call for help!" Sarah? Why is LEDA here. How did they find me? Everything is buzzing around me until I place something. The scent, I am shaken to reality by her presence, its Cosima. She's the owner of the hands on me. "Sarah call S., NOW!" I can hear another voice but I am unable to decipher the words. The conversation occurring around me is becoming short, loud, and quick. I can feel my body being moved away from the resting place beside the car, but I cannot comprehend what my torso and head are lying upon. I struggle, partial sight with hooded lids, looking up, I see her. Cosima, she is here, Cosima has found me. She is not safe here. I attempt to speak but my body is not allowing my mind to control it. Her hand is pressing against my abdomen, as I can feel the tears falling from her face. Her leg is push against my back, I assume to apply pressure to the exit wound as well. "Delphine, I'm sorry," She sobs. "Please don't, you can't leave me, I love you." She pleads. "I can't, I can't do this bullshit without you!"

               I hear footsteps moving closer, as my eyes start to only understand darkness.


	9. Nine

                              The room was horribly unfamiliar, incredibly vacant. The walls were burdened bare, much like the remainder of my surroundings. I was struggling to access my situations. The back of my skull felt as though I had sustained a blow to the head, it made shifting my new strenuous. I had a plethora of questions, but the only the machines beeping around me to provide me answers. My vision was still inconsistent, with every other blink, my surroundings were a blur. As my consciousness was growing, I could feel the grief grow in my gut. This was too much, after everything I was alone. I had never believed in the afterlife, science did not allow such.

               My thoughts were questioning my reality. Was this the purgatory that the great book had spoke of? Was I no longer one with life? I moved my hand to my stomach and felt a wrenching feeling. That's when the memory flashed. I was shot, the force had thrown me against the something, a wall possibly. That would explain the feeling on the rear of my head. But the question of how I arrived to this stale room still lingered. The Neolutionist's had come after me, shot me. It was Shay. Shay had shot me. Cosima was not safe. The sisters were not safe. And I was held in this stale, white room. I wanted to move, I tried to sit up, but the muscles in my abdomen would not allow it. I needed to leave this residence, I needed to tell the sisters of what I have come to know. I tried to swing my legs over the bed; but as I did I felt a sharp pain in my sighed and I couldn't help but to let of a cry.

               "Hey! What are you doing there?" I could hear the all familiar voice. "I don't think you should be moving for awhile Doctor Cormier." Cosima spoke with a saddened smile. She walked slowly over beside my bed. "Although I am very happy to finally see you awake Delphine." She spoke the words quietly as she bent to sit on the side of my bed, gliding her hand to capture my.

               "Cosima." It was more of a cry, I couldn't speak. My sense of urgency had left me. I was with her.

               "I'm here, it's going to be okay." She tried to assure me. "You scared me back there Delphine, but everything will be okay, I'm here." She spoke as the tears began to swell in her eyes. I felt relief with her words.

               "Where are we?" It was the question I had awoken with. I needed the assurance that we were away from anyone with a chance to know. What if she's told Shay? I still need to tell her about Shay. How do I tell her?

               "Safe, Mrs. S took care of everything." Cosima explains as she gently squeezes my hand in hers. "Trust me?" It's a loaded question, it's our constant battle. "Okay?" She looks for the reassurance with her nods.

               "Cosima-" I need to tell her what I know.

               "Delphine, no." She cuts me off, placing her other hand on my forearm below the needle. "You've spent enough time worrying, I need you to focus on getting better." It's an all familiar comment. I had asked her this before, to allow me to focus on the issues, and she to focus on her health, I'm uncomfortable to say the least, in the switching of the roles. It's not that I do not trust her, though I fear I still may not to some standard. "Rest, sleep, I'll be right here, the whole time." She promises.

 

                                                                                                                      *  *

 

               My eyes flutter open, scanning the room again I soon as my sight solidifies. The room has gained an addition of a plan brown and green chair, simple and unoccupied. My eyes land on the brunette facing the window. She's staring down at something that is shining light on her face. She looks back to me and smiles when she's aware of my open eyes. "Good morning, Beautiful." She whispers loud enough for me to hear. She walks in the opposite direction to the chair, pulling it closely to the bed so it is placed near my head. "You know, I was thinking," She says quietly as she sits easily in the chair. "When all of this is said and over, I want to create a life with you." Her whispers bring a smile to my face, as she places her hand on mine. " A life away from all of this, wherever you want, we can create crazy science, and help people, after we've helped each other."

               I nod, "I want that too Mon Armor." I let my fingers dance with hers. It's a far reality from the one which we live in now, but I can only hope that it's possible.

               "I love you, I don't tell you that enough." She smiles weakly. "I'm tired of living in fear of losing you so I'm going to need you to get better," Through the dark I can see the tears on her cheeks and it makes the grief in my gut reappear. "so we can have that life Delphine."

               "Je t'aime Cosima." It's a mere cry from what I wish I could say. The words I wish I could say are lacking. I'm enjoying hearing her wants, and I will do everything I can to see that she gets them.

               "I know we're not perfect, and we will have so many things to work through, but I think it's worth it, that we are worth it." Her gaze is in captivating, "But we need to trust each other, even if it's blindly at first, from this point forward, I need you to trust me, and I promise to trust you, without any doubt. Can you promise me that?"

               "Je prompts." I respond.

               "Good, just rest, it's late and you need all the rest you can get" She smiles. I can tell her body is tired, I cannot fathom how long it has been since she has slept.

               "Cosima," I say as my mind tries to formulate the words to follow. "Sleep with me?" I ask, not afraid of the answer, more afraid of the possible resistance.

               "Delphine, I do not think that to be wise." She retorts. It's true, I am in a small hospital bed, with plenty of wires surrounding me. It's an absurd question. I feel silly, but she needs the rest as well, and the chair is much too small even for her small stature.

               "Trust me." I counter with a small smile, which is quickly returned with the cheeky grin I have come to hold so dear. She sat up, and moved to the other side of my bed, there were less obstacles on that portion. As gently as one could she laid down on her side against me, cautious of any possible interuptions of wires, or any sore place she could touch; with her head beside my own. I began to worry of how I would explain Shay to her. Shay was a spy, Shay was a spy that Cosima had come to have feelings for. As upset as I was with the smaller blonde, I realized that I too, was a spy that Cosima had feelings for. The realization that I may not differ entirely from the smaller blonde startled me with grief. As I felt Cosima's lips press against my temple and her arm drag across my own to hold it the realization fluttered away, much like my eyes as I soon found slumber again.

       

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos & Comments always welcome.


	10. It Was Shay

            I feel the warmth of the sun coming through the window beaming on my face. I open my eyes slowly to inhale my surroundings, taking in the sight of the brunette resting beside me. A strange sense of peace in such an ironic state I note. The silence that the morning provides my thoughts to plan for how I will soon deliver the news on Shay. I cannot help but worry that Cosima will assume it's jealousy. She has viewed me as the jealous ex for some time now.

               Although we committed to trust one another only hours before, I cannot help but feel insecure with this knowledge. If only it had been someone, anyone else. Last night I remember her staring at her phone, could she have been messaging Shay? It would only make sense. Cosima knows the actions I took in the smaller blondes apartment, and now I am accusing her of hurting me, trying to kill me. I turn my head slowly to not alert her, but to gaze at her form. She's peaceful in her slumber with the corners of her lips chucked upwards.

            "Oi" I hear coming from the distance , startling my gaze. "Can you two not even wait until the others out of the hospital bed? For Christ's Sake!" Sarah's voice is sharp for such an early hour. I notice that she is accompanied by two others. One familiar, who I make out to be Mrs. S, and the other a tall, lanky man with a stethoscope dangling from his neck, he must be the doctor overseeing my care I assume. Cosima is still sound asleep, resting her head against my shoulder. I can feel her steady breaths against my skin. I suddenly am aware of how awkward this must be for everyone who has so recently entered the room. Embarrassed by my actions I try to ease the situation as quickly as I can. I move my arm to immediately wake her to ease the tension of our new guests.

               "Mmmm." She moans against my neck. Her arm stretches across my stomach, skimming across my wound, it's a reminder of why I am here. I let out a stiffened cry, which I attempt to cover horribly so.

               "And that would be why we don't advise sharing beds during recovery Dr. Cormier." The tall, lanky man states. "Nice to finally see you awake," He smiles, I cannot fathom the circumstances in which Mrs. S. arranged this man to help me. Is he her friend, or does he owe her a favor, or quite possibly both. "I'm Dr. Milburn, and I think it's about time to redress your wound." He offers another kind smile. I wonder how a doctor would react under such circumstances as these. I have yet to see no other healthcare personal enter my room in the past twelve hours of which I conclude I have been awake.

               "How long have I been out?" I ask, my voice still weak.

               "You were out six days, the bullet went through you, damaging your liver and gall bladder." His words are very simple, yet I still have to use all my strength to give him my full attention. "We removed your gall bladder, and with a few more treatments you liver will have regenerated itself. The most important thing to remember is to avoid infection and get some rest, your body needs it." His tone remains serious, though this is the best possible scenario. Cosima leaves my side, brushing her hand against my arm to allow Dr. Milburn area to inspect my dressings and take my vitals.

               After several suffering minutes, I become more aware of the amount of pain that I am experiencing. I have been out six days. I still have no idea where I am. Dr. Milburn leaves explaining he will be back later this afternoon to take go over the same routine as he did only moments before. The room lays silent, with glances between Sarah and Cosima speaking volumes.

               "Delphine," Sarah finally speaks. "What all do you remember from the garage?" She asks, much more sincere than I had expected. I can only imagine the debate that the two have been having on this topic by the glare she's receiving from the dreaded girl to my right.

               "Sarah!" Cosima steps in, physically leaning towards the english punk. "Can you at least wait until she's out of the hospital." Cosima's outburst confirms my suspicions. I start to panic, I know I need to share this, but I fear of how it will be received. I look several times between to two with Sarah to my left and Cosima to my right. Mrs. S. is remaining quiet in the middle. I imagine she's been burdened by the disagreement for the past six days as well.

               "No Cosima, Delphine understands, if there is someone after her, they're probably after all of us. We need to stay prepared." Sarah stares at me as she's speaking. I can't help but nod in agreement.

               "Delphine-" Cosima tries to step in. She wants to defend me, she has previously defended me to Sarah and her sisters. I was always there enemy, even though Sarah used me as an alliance she still kept me at arm's length. I was never one of them, I was always DYAD, and she never trusted DYAD. How could she after everything?

               "Cosima, I can help." The fear is mixed with grief and guilt, and I believe they can hear it in my voice. "I remember everything." I keep my eyes on Sarah, I know how Cosima will react when she hears who it was that pulled the trigger, and I'm not sure I'm strong enough for her reaction. We are finally to a place where we both want to resolve, and this information will only add fuel to our dwindling fire. "It was in the garage and I saw Davydov-" I seem to have skipped her first name, but I know Cosima is aware already, I can feel the tension arising. "Shay Davydov." I confirm through a voice only a bit louder than a whisper. I keep it simple, they do not need the details of her words after the bullet pierced through my body, or the mockery she declared.

               My eyes remain still on Sarah, fearing to look to the opposite side of the room. I can already tell something is happening as her eyes have shifted directly on Cosima. I quickly join them to see the brunette glaring at the ground. Her hands in fists unable to look up. I can see her nostrils flaring and her chest rise and fall with her breathes. "Cosima?" I ask hoping for some sense of comfort, but it is met with only the shake of her head. She bolts for the door before I can say anything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and Comments always welcomed :)


	11. Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Chapter breaks from Delphine's POV to Cosima's POV and back. If it's a bit confusing, my apologies.

               This isn't how this is supposed to be. In the hospital bed, alone. Mrs. S and Sarah had fled after Cosima. I could hear them talking in the hall only hours before. My mind had Cosima's promises flowing through it, of a future that I felt fastly slipping away. I couldn't understand the muffled voices, I could briefly hear the accents, but now there was only silence. Cosima left because I made the final wound in her broken trust. Shay had been a spy just like me, and those before me. Who could she trust when everyone that surrounded her had their ulterior motives. I could never deny my feelings for the brunette, I had fallen so hard that I knew I would never be able to get back up. From this, I lied in the hospital bed with the dreary white walls, burdened by my words in reveal.

               I imagine briefly what would have happened if I had met Cosima under different circumstances. I would have most likely found her oddness just that, odd. I cannot say for certain I would have developed feelings for her, if paired at school I probably would have tried to study with her, only to find myself annoyed by her organization, or lack thereof. I question if she would have had the confidence to make a pass at me if she didn't assume I was her monitor. I imagine the cheeky girl would have me at her place late one night, or early in the morning, rambling coherent thoughts on her dissertation. My mind wonders at that point if I would have known, if I could accept it, If I would be the more confident one in the situation. She would make a comment on my accent, and I would throw an easy "Je ne sais pas." which I would heavily accent. I could envision her brilliant grin, and I would know. We would never need to fear for our lives, and have the ability to learn one another over time. But there is no sense in the day dreams. Cosima had left with Sarah, not able to even look at me with her hurt eyes.  

               Maybe this is where I deserve to be. Alone. Though I knew my feelings were true, I never did deserve Cosima. It's foolish to believe that we could move past this, any of this. In the end one of else would be so incredibly wounded that the other would never be able to repair it. After all, how do you trust someone, how do you love someone who was paid to monitor your every move. If the roles were reversed, If I was in Cosima's place, I would have walked out the door and never looked back. My side has never changed, but I needed to let her go.

 

*  *

 

               I know I should have assumed it, my life has become a plot of some ill fated character who's destined for such. There's a mixture of guilt and anger flowing through my veins, and I'm not sure which will win the race. I can't bear to look at her. This is my fault, I brought Shay into this, my life, the one in which Delphine existed in. But why her? Why did Shay, the one that seemed to fit me so well, have to be hiding so much like Delphine. I cared for both, but I was just the toy in their games. I could feel everyone's stares, I needed to leave. Without a second thought I booked it for the door.

               "Cos, wait up!" I could hear Sarah's boots clunking against the ground. I stopped in my tracks, I had no concept of where I was headed, so it seemed sensible to wait for her. "Look, this is alot. Yea?" She asks when she reaches me. I could barely bring myself to give her the attention she requested. "You let me handle this. I'll find her, I swear." She doesn't even ask, no one does. My life has become a game and I'm just a toy. "You gotta watch her Cos, she needs you."

               I realize my part to play in this twisted game. I realize the part I want to play in this game. I realize how I want to leave this game. "You'll call me when you find her?" I ask, knowing full well she will. But I don't want the end result. I don't want the sugar coated version. I want to see her, I want to confront her, I need to ask her why. Why did she use me, why does everyone seem to?

               "If that's what you want? Then yea." Her voice lets off a worried tone. Like she can hear the voices in my head. She understands, there is no singular person either of us can trust who is not a clone. Every other motive, and decision seems to have the ability to be played multiple ways, and I want to play this one mine. I do what I can to let a smile and nod occur. Mrs. S walks joins us, motioning Sarah to move along. It's now that I realize I have no barrier between Delphine and I. I'm not ready to face her, I'm still not entirely sure how I feel on the situation. My ex? Is Shay my ex? Shay shot Delphine. Which means Shay isn't innocent, our relationship was a lie. Delphine, that's a completely other thought I'm not prepared for. Delphine has constantly shuffled roles in our relationship. She has been my monitor, doctor, partner, co-worker, girlfriend, boss, ex-girlfriend... the list could go on. But what were we now? I find myself in front of her door unable to go in.

 

*  *

 

               I hear Dr. Milburn shuffling around, taking note of the machines that had been attached to my body. "You're a fighter Delphine." He says to himself loud enough for my ears to capture the words. I smile, still unsure of what the situation I find myself in is. "I see you have kicked your bed buddy to the door, poor girl has been sitting out there alone since everyone left." He jokes. His laugh ends when he looks at my face. The worried look that Cosima hasn't left. Neither of us can face the other, too ashamed of the reality we've created, but still afraid to let go.

               I grab his arm, nearly pleading, "Tell her I need to see her?" my desperation is evident in my voice.

               "As long as you promise the bed is your's alone tonight." He asserts.

               "Yes."

               As he leaves the room I can still see his shadow through the frame, only for a moment lingering before he is no longer there. It feels like a lifetime passes before I see her figure, barely moving beyond the threshold of the room. She is just as wordless as I find myself, our eyes not capable of settling on one another, still unsure.

               "Cosima" I say, vaguely unaware of how my next words will follow. "I'm sorry." It's not a lie, she in no reason deserves what has happened. "If you need to let go of the promises, I understand, and I will not blame you." I'm not sure how to phrase what I need to say, and it's coming out poorly. "You deserve a life that's not filtered around you, you deserve to be loved by someone who will not put you in danger." You deserve better I want to say. "I have not always been completely honest with you, and you, you Cosima are entitled to have a life with someone who won't hurt you as I have." The words leave my lips suddenly. I moved my eyes to meet hers, to see how they are accepted.


	12. Twelve

               "No." She yells, as mild as it may come across. "You don't get to make those decisions without me." She's glaring now, her voice matching the harshness of her body. "You aren't the one to tell me what I'm entitled to, and deserve." Her voice permeates the room, The tone more serious than loud. I'm struggling to maintain my composure. She has to see what I see, that moving beyond our struggles is a battle blindly won, but the war is something we haven't begun to touch. I have our memories, not nearly enough, but I won't let them go, hidden deep in my fortress. Her face seems to have found a standstill; the harshness of her face is lightening, "You don't get to take that road this time Cormier." She lets out a chuckle. "I'm not letting go of that farm house, with the willow tree in the corner of the yard, for you to become a martyr." She's still keeping her distance but the chuckle leads her lips into a grin that sends signals throughout my body.

               "Cosima, can you honestly tell me you can build past what has happened? You will not hold our past against me?" I'm beginning to second guess my stance. As much as I want to end this for her sake, a life without her is terrifying.

               "You promised, less than twenty four hours ago," She recounts, recalculates her frame as she's inching herself nearer to my bed. "You promised you'd trust me from that point forward." It is not a lie, but it seems that the waking hour brings truth to the reveals that nighttime allows. "Trust me when I say you are what I want Delphine, you are what makes me happy, and I deserve to be happy." Her words resonate a warmth I realize I don't want to lose. "I've decided no fence for the yard, it's kind of like a metaphoric barrier to the outside world and I'm like going to be against raising our babies like that." Cosima's words ramble into a daydream I can envision myself.

               " Babies?" The word catches me off guard. I had never believed myself capable to be a parent. But then again, I didn't ever to believe myself to be capable of the feelings I have developed for the brunette. Her ability to turn the conversation around is bewildering to me.

               "Yea, two little munchkins, running around the tire swing that hangs from the willow tree. Their hair crazy curly and blonde, rambling french nonsense that I still won't understand. You'll come home from work, upset with me that the house is a wreck, and after dinner, and the babies have been tucked in their beds, I would make it up to you, God, how I would make it up to you every night Delphine." The picture she paints for me seems believable, yet so unattainable considering our current reality.

               "A world without DYAD, and LEDA?" I can't help myself but bring up the truth. She's still sick, and we still have people out to get the both of us. It hurts to deny these hopes, but they will never exist if we are unable to fix the dilemma at hand.

               "A life after DYAD and LEDA." She vows. "A life where I wake up next to you every morning, and our arguments aren't about trying to survive, they're about dirty dishes, and who's waking up at two in the morning to feed the baby." She won't let me escape the future she's created for us. Her body leaning over mine now as she adjusts to sit in the chair beside my bed. She finds my hand and enwraps it with both of hers.  "And later on, when I'm old and grey, and you're still hella gorgeous, you'll get upset when I steal some pot from our kids when they are home from college." It's believable, there's no doubt about it. I can picture the home she's created, and I find myself wanting that family with those children. How can I possibly deny her of these dreams in which I find myself longing for as well? But what about now? How do we get to that? How do we get past all of this? "Do you trust me to give you that Delphine?" She asks. I stare at her unsure of how to speak of my uncertainties. I want to trust that these will be a reality, but unlike Cosima, I need a plan, not just hope. "Delphine?" She repeats, her voice much lower than before.

               "How?" Is all I can formulate, afraid to ruin such a moment.

               "Trust me. Be with me. We face this together as a team. But our endgame is the same. We will have that house, with those babies, and we will have each other. You are what makes my day, you make me happy, and I will do everything in my power to provide you that amount of happiness for as long as I live. Do you want that?" And I do. I want it so much that the thought, the world she's created brings tears to my eyes. She doesn't have to do as much as she believes to bring joy to my life, but to share her own with me. I can envision the three of them driving me crazy, but receiving my forgiveness as soon as my eyes lay on their smiles. I want them to have that, Cosima's smile. I know it is not biologically possible, but I want that in my dream as well.

               "Do you promise me you will get well? We will focus on the cure, and find it so that we can live long enough for you to be buying pot from our children?" I ask such a heavy question, but trying to lighten the mood, I add her twist. Her health is deteriorating, and it's a battle we cannot ignore.

               "I said stealing their pot, not buying. I wouldn't buy something from either of them after raising them, and providing for them for eighteen plus years." She explains completely avoiding the question. I pull a squeeze to her hand, trying to signify my need for her answer without having to bare repetition of my words. She looks away from me, for a moment, seemingly contemplating. "We can cure this as a team, we will find a way together. Trust me." She promises.

               "Cosima, one more thing," I add. I want to join this future with her. If she's willing to move past this, why can't I as well. "I hope you know I won't join you in this house, with these children, without a proper commitment." I gleam. I never thought I was one for marriage, but it only seems appropriate given her ideas.

               "I wouldn't dream of denying you such wishes." She chuckles as she pulls my palm to her lips to press a kiss against it. It's easy to forget the harsh realities we face when we are together like this. It's the one piece of evidence that I can believe we can make this work. The moment is distracted with the ringing from Cosima's phone. She removes her hands from mine and pulls out the device, looking to see who's calling and quickly answers.

               "Hello." Is all I can hear before she leaves the room. With her exist, a new visitor arrives, Mrs. S. She nods and Dr. Milburn is following her into the room.

               "Delphine, I know this may be rushing things but we are going to have to get you out of the room. Milburn says your vitals have maintained, but you and I both know your safety here isn't secured." I shake my head in agreeing. It was only a matter of time, and staying in the same room for a week was a bit risky.

               "I'm going to unhook you, and S here, she'll be given enough supplies to last you awhile. I need you to change the wrappings, and watch for fevers and infection." Dr. Milburn's words seem rushed.

               "I can do that, I am-" I try to finish with my experience, I do hold a medical doctorate. These are simple tasks, but I am cut off by Cosima's return.

               "Sarah has Shay." The three words sprung out of her mouth with undetermined emotion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments & Kudos always welcomed :)


	13. Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Surprise Update. The Remainder of the Story is OFFICIALLY written! It'll be up throughout the week.

               The car's vivacious path sends my body into a jerk. My jaw's clenched tightly while the remainder of my body is attempting to stay stiff. With every sudden movement, a seething sound escapes my lips and Cosima cannot help but look at me with concerned eyes. The pain is to be expected, having rushed from the hospital and with the absence of taking any of my pain medicine; I was more worried about putting the pieces together of everyone's plan. I couldn't afford any of the grogginess that the medicine would offer, I was concerned for what was to come. Mrs. S. was quiet while speeding our way to Felix's loft. I had yet to come to a conclusion as to why we were heading there, but I knew the route quite well, recalling the memories from my first trip. That was the night Cosima had informed me of her illness, that was the night I pleaded for her trust. That was the night when we began our relationship knowing the secrets that we would continue to battle against.

               The steps are a struggle, the pressure on my abdomen is nearly unbearable. Cosima takes notice and walks beside me with a mix between caution and patience. I'm uncomfortable with the switch in our dynamic, the sympathetic expression on her face makes me feel even weaker. She kindly placed her hand in the small on my back offering a gesture of support. When we finally reached the loft, we are greeted by Felix and Sarah, I can't help but gather the feeling that everyone is in on a secret that I'm not part of. To be honest, it has always been this way, so what difference would my outsider stance have now?  

 

 

               "Shay's at the warehouse where we kept Kendall Malone. Helena is with her now, keeping watch." Sarah states to Cosima, and then it dawns on me what their secret is. They have a plan that I am not part of, a plan I am not sure I am allowed to be a part of. "Finding her wasn't difficult. We traced the calls she was making to your cell phone." Calls? What calls? When has Cosima been in contact with Shay since I have been shot? "Cos, I'm going with you, you're not doing this alone, okay?" Sarah's words strike a chord with me.

               "Okay, Felix can you stay here? With Delphine?" Cosima's face looks guiltily towards Felix, as if she's hoping he won't make a snide remark in her request. But I am still uncomfortable with this. She has been on the phone with this woman, while in the hospital with me.

               "Cosima?" I ask quietly for her attention. I'm more than overwhelmed, between my concern for her actions that will soon take place, and the constant throbbing pain throughout my body.

               "Oh. Bloody hell." Felix whines as he paces towards the kitchen. He leans himself against the island staring cold eyes at Cosima.

               "Cosima?" I request again.

               "Delphine," She sighs. "You'll be good here, just rest until I get back?" She asks for the reassurance that I won't protest, but that will soon be declined.            

               "I want to go." I finally announce. I nearly shock myself with the revelation. Yes, Shay shot me and put Cosima in harm's way, but my reasons aren't nearly as personal as Cosima's. I want to go for much more insecure reasons.

               "No, absolutely not, you could barely walk up the steps." She quickly retorts. Cosima is shaking her head sporadically at me.

               "I want to go. Together. As a team." I was using her words against her. My head's still not quite whole, I'm sure I could have phrased my begging better.

               "Lesbians! Must you?" Felix intervened. He's words faulting Cosima. "Cosima do you even know what you plan to do when you see her?" He asks the question that I lack the courage to.

               "I-" Cosima's at a loss for words. The three of us gaze upon her as the silence descends. It's obvious if she does have a plan she's not sharing it. She looks startled, and I can't help but feel sorry for her. I don't want her to have to face this alone, I selfishly want to secure myself as the one she turns to for comfort.

               "We'll all go, as a bloody family. Maybe we can borrow Allison's Mini Van." Felix smirks with his words, as Sarah scoffs.

 

 

               I try my best to appear stronger, and more vigilant as we journey to the warehouse. Cosima gazes had out the window, barely acknowledging the presence of any other soul in the car.  I wonder if she is aware of her knee bouncing up in down, constantly exposing her nervous energy. I reach across to collect her hand in mine, trying to provide some sense of calm and comfort to her. It was met with a simple squeeze, and that was enough acknowledgement for the moment. I couldn't imagine the thoughts running through her mind at the moment, but I could only hope that this encounter would not last long.

               The warehouse feels cold, unlike Sarah and I, Cosima hasn't had to be in these situations before. The interrogation, the playing of cards, she's fortunately shielded from such activities. Which would explain a portion of her nerves compared to the rest of us, but as the doors opened and we were face to face with Shay, I couldn't understand why Cosima stayed in the corner. I could see her uneasines, this woman she had been intimate with, was being treated harshly, but it wasn't unfair. This woman was malevolent, she was violent; and Cosima was the one clone to avoid such characters all together. Cosima lacked the knowledge to play this game, and I wish she never had to learn.

               "Well, if it isn't Romeo and Juliet, together again I see." Shay says grinning too eagerly for my liking. "I didn't think I'd have the pleasure of seeing you again Delphine, I thought you were a goner in that parking lot."

               I tried to step forward but Sarah stepped in, "So Blondie, Who ya working for?" She says as she's being handed a gun from Helena.    

               "You answer my seestra." Helena's words carry a threat that I could never match. She's capable of matching Shay's grin, the only difference is that Shay has handcuffs around her wrists and ankles. Her torso has been tied to the pole behind her, Helena was busy I see.

               "You think you're so smart, a bunch of genetically modified clones, out to get your creators. But you don't get it, you're just little toys in this game, none of you matter." She says only a few levels below a shout.

               Something seems to alert Cosima with her words as she is moving beyond her safe corner into the open, her body taller than I have witnessed earlier. She stops a few feet in front of me and turns around, connecting her eyes with mine, like she's trying to tell me something, but I am unable to decode what she is saying. In a normal move for Cosima, but incredibly uncharacteristic move for the situation she winks. She strides a few moments more until she's nearly inches from the shorter blonde and kneels down until she's at eye level. I'm uncomfortable at the proximity she's allowed with Shay, Cosima is just staring at her, at the woman who shot me, and left me to die. At the woman who lied and put her in danger, this was not a safe distance for Cosima. This is what I have wanted to protect her from all along.  "I'm not a toy, I'm more than a clone. I'm a human being, not just some stupid experiment." She shouts.

              "You're her toy." Shay responds, casting her eyes upon me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone has any ideas for prompts please let me know. This was actually a very fun experience. 
> 
> Comments and Kudos are always welcomed.


	14. Fourteen

         

                 I can feel Sarah and Felix's eyes lingering on my body but I can only hold my stare on Cosima who has yet to waiver. When did she become this person. Cosima has always been emotionally driven. That was the woman I had fallen in love with. I had watched her stand her ground before, so often with myself even. But she had always had a remark to make, a cheeky, smart remark. Here she had stood solid, stood tall, stood silent. I wanted to intervene, step forward and cause physical harm to the small blonde tied to this post. Though I was beginning to see that this was not my battle, I was not here to control this situation, I was here for support. This had to be Cosima's fight, and I would be the woman she came home to after the war to kiss.  

 

               "I'm not anyone's toy." Cosima's voice became harsh with breath, spattering through her grit teeth.

 

               "Don't be stupid, she's so consumed with what move you'll make next. When she doesn't have control she freaks out. As I stood, ready to end her life, the only thing she asked about was you. She didn't even try to stop it, just a pathetic 'What will happen to her?' Who does that, a crazy ex who you can't get over. Because you like being the toy Cosima, you like being used." Shay was trying to twist something that couldn't be twisted. My concern was not of the game, it was of her life. "You know, she came and told me we'd be a good fit, a good fucking fit. Remember how good we fit? All over the kitchen floor? As I recall we fit pretty damn well." Her words were working, she was trying to evoke something in me and It was working. Shay's eyes were glaring me on, daring me to play, challenging my position in this warehouse basement.

              

               "No. You're not worth it." Cosima's words were surrendering. The sight before me contradicting as I witness her feet carry her over to Helena, silently motioning for the knife that she held. I couldn't let Cosima do this. She was not one do maliciously induce harm. She was not a killer. I wouldn't stand by and allow her to regret this.

 

               "I'm pretty sure that's not what you said on the phone last night." Shay's eyes are tearing apart every fiber of my being. Cosima was on the phone with Shay, that had been the glare on her face in the hospital room last night. That had been before she became aware of Shay's involvement.  What was said during this conversation that lead Shay to believe she was worth something to Cosima? Cosima's silence was deafening. I couldn't decipher if my heart was pounding from jealousy, or the fear of this situation, or the combination of both. It wasn't Cosima's lack of words that were draining my ears, it was the 'thum- thump' in my chest, trailing through my body, burdening my head.  "You know Cosima, it's such a shame to see someone so bright, play the fool."  Cosima's hands were rotating the knife back and forth, back and forth as if contemplating how to work the sharp object. Her steps back to Shay were slow, emphasizing her hesitance more than her intimidation.   

 

               "Can you really hurt me Cosima? After what we've shared." Shay questions , as my eyes shift to watch Sarah and Felix, both seem to be waiting for a move, but much like myself, unaware of what move. "I've seen you at you're most vulnerable, when other's seemed to have left you." I couldn't hear such words, there was no interrogation, this was Shay getting to Cosima's emotions. "I stood by you, when no one else would, I stood by you."

 

               With Shay's declaration, I found myself overwhelmed and determined, I found myself pulling the gun from Sarah's hands and storming over to the smaller blonde. Adrenaline is a miraculous chemical, one that took over my fight and forget my pain. I stood beside the pole bringing the end of the barrel to the blondes temple. "Who do you work for?" I shouted, stunning myself as well as Cosima. The brunettes eyes were locked on me, but I was still not able to read them.

 

               "Do you fight every battle for her? Do you not trust Cosima to make her own decisions Delphine?"  Shay's eyes never met mine, they were waiting for a response from the brunette, having hit the spot that caused the better part of our struggles. "You know she's not your toy."

 

               "Who do you work for, Who sent you?" I demanded, pushing the barrel hard against her hairline.

 

               "You know who sent me Delphine. You've known all along." Neolution? Castor? Who did I assume this to be? "But you allowed yourself to be blinded by toys you wanted to claim." There she was again, accusing words of shame, my mind playing screen shots of every occasion I had the displeasure of seeing her with Cosima.  "I should have waited with you after I pulled the trigger. I would have watched you slip away to death, shuttering at your last breath." And my mind found myself against the car, focusing on how to fix the situation, reliving the pain, and fear.  "That's where I messed up, I didn't watch you die, you were too quick to whimper and I assumed-" It was then that I allowed myself to recalculate, having lost myself in her words, which were cut off by a knife jab to her abdomen. Cosima's hand still on the end of the blade seeming to collect her actions. She was appearing to be in a trance, only focused on the blood seeping through Shay's shirt. I dropped the gun, and grabbed her from the damage, pulling her into my arms. Helena and Sarah took over as I guided her back to the corner.

 

               Her body was stiff, heavy, and rigged. She was not touching me back, I should not have allowed this. Cosima who wanted the science, Cosima who wanted to better humanity; she was not Cosima who was capable of causing physical harm. My eyes were trying to find hers, but I was distracted by a gunshot, and the following crash of a light shattering on the ground. I could feel Cosima's small body pulling away and I loosened my grip, her body carrying her head low to the exit. I stood wavering my options, to stay or to following her, and then I heard the door slam shut.

 

               Knowing that Cosima could not witness this, legs carried me rapidly after her. Anticipating a shout upon my arrival, since she had made it evident that she did not prefer me near, I worried for what I was running after. My heart still beating loud enough to shake my body, I opened the door to find her hunched besides the steps to the warehouse. I could see she was crying, and understandably so, from the shaking of her body. With a muffled voice, and hands over her face I could hear her ask, "Who lives like this?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments & Kudos are always welcomed.


	15. Fifteen

               If I was to ever be told that science would bring me to a life of constant danger, and near death I would have assumed if would be from working with such diseases in the lab. If I couldn't cure someone, that is how I would have caused them death. I never saw my life consumed by my intent on survival, using my intellect for bargaining; this was never the life I had studied so diligently for. I found solace in the science, having preferred intellect, and conclusions. But now I stand in bewilderment as I allow her question to spread over me.

 

               _'Who lives like this?'_

 

               Her words echoing throughout my drums.  How do I console this? How do I bring comfort to the Hell that has consumed our very lives since our beginning? We pride ourselves on our love, but love cannot possibly fix something as complex as this. Love is just a chemical intrusion in the brain, but it is not enough to outweigh the regret and misery imbalance.

 

               I gain enough courage to join her, slowly moving my body to sit beside her on the steps. It's odd how the brain can overpower the entire body, where only moments before the pain in my abdomen was overwhelmed by the hormones rushing throughout my body; now I find my body neighboring the seething pain once more. I am bordering her world once again, skirting around her words and contemplating such questions myself.

 

               _'Who lives like this?'_

 

               We have, since the moment we embraced each other, from the first _'Enchantee.'_ My existence drowned in yours; bargaining fears, striving survivals, and joining forces.  I was yours as long as you would have me, even though my words disagreed. My sole purpose refashioned with our declaration, the conclusions no longer depended on hypotheses and analysis. There was only ambition for you and your well being. My intent entirely surrounding your world, ensuring it's prosperity. But how do we move past such accounts? How does a soldier return home from war, and live life as though nothing has changed, when indeed all that you know, all that you are has incredibly differed.

 

               "You asked about me?" Her words vaguely humored.

 

               "Always." My retort just a bit louder than a whisper. I still cannot bare to look at her. The Cosima I have come to know, the Cosima I have loved, I worry for her change.

 

               "I'm sorry Delphine." She exhales. "I never asked for this life, I can't imagine who would." Her hands were stroking her legs, as an attempt to calm her shakes. "I can't do this anymore." I worry what this she means? Is it the danger, the clones, the disease, is it me? I begin to feel the tears well behind my eyes. I find my arm instinctively pulling her into me, focusing on the physical pain, prolonging the possible emotional.

              

               "Cosima." I gasp, attempting to formulate the words to solve, to aide. "Tell me what to do." I request. I will do whatever she asks, there is no doubt, there has never been one.

 

               "There's nothing to do Delphine." She says while finding my gaze. "There's nothing you can do." She explains sternly. "Ever feel like you've lost yourself?" _Yes. In you._ "That in there, that's not me. That's not who I aspire to be. It goes against all that I am." I see the tears begin to fall, sliding their way down her cheeks, and it takes my will to not grab her, and brush them aside. "I fell in love with science to fix people, not hold them hostage, not to have myself held hostage."

 

               "Cosima, we can get through this." I reassure. "I will build you that farmhouse if I have to." I say with a sad smile. It's true, I would do any and every action I needed to see forth that she experienced every dream she's ever had.

 

               Her smiles weak, and her eyes sadly speak the words that she can't bear to. We share a moment of silence, perhaps for our dying dreams, or to console our history. I'm not prepared to face a life without her, I'm not ready to leave the love I found in war.

 

*  *

 

               The days fade to weeks, which turn to months, and become a year. From survival, to the science I love I promised myself to never lose another, to never allow someone to meet an ill-fate. I would cure. The disease itself met its fate, Kendall Malone's DNA carried more answers for the clones than any research without could ever provide. Cosima's lungs began to heal, as well as her uterus and body, as she became whole again. I had the pleasure to witness such, from afar, with wounds still too fresh to have close. She walked lighter, it reminded me of the woman I had met back in Minnesota, the one willing to steal wine and jog through pathways. A strange feeling, a warm sensation overtook my body at the thought. A sense of resentment over what could have been, the moments I saw her, far enough that she would never have to be burdened by the reminders of what she no longer wanted, or needed to be. Through the words of DYAD I learned she still was in touch with her sisters, gaining a few even. They had become a post modern family in the brave new world.

 

*  *

 

               "BEEP- BEEP- BEEP" The alarm blares awakening my mind for the seventh hour of the day. I roll onto the other side of the bed to alert the device of my awareness. The room is cold and dark, the city lights still glistening in the streets. A stretch of solitude prepares my body for the routine of morning, gaining strength to teach a day of lessons. Friday's were always slow. The students only half present, their minds more focused on their break from the scholastic lectures they had to endure. As I gather my attire for the day, I head down the stairs to fix myself coffee. I was not entirely in to mood to consume food, still only somewhat awake. I found myself cold, much like the house that surrounded me. The quiet was no longer alarming now, just tiresome, like it was waiting to be awoke, as though my house needed an alarm to awake itself.

 

               Collecting my briefcase and coat, I turn the lights off, allowing my house to return to slumber, I lock the door and begin my walk to the university. I no longer missed the hectic life that I had in Toronto. DYAD no longer had a hold around my every fiber. My struggles no longer consisted of my life or death, they were sharing my love of science with the younger generation that would cure the new diseases, and progress the livelihood of humanity. My days were consumed by saving those who feared they could not be saved. I had the joy of living the life I had always dreamed of, ever since even my young days at university.

 

              

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments & Kudos are always welcomed.


	16. Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Conclusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank You All!
> 
> This was my first fic...
> 
> And you could probably all tell, but I really enjoyed it.
> 
> Thank you for reading and commenting and the kudos!

               The lecture lasts longer than I expected before a brave soul raises her hand to let me know that class ended ten minutes ago. I smile, trying to hide my embarrassment. As the students gather their belongings, I wish my best for their weekend.  Most college students are prepping for a party on a Friday night, but as I recall my nights, I was usually home studying. A warmth of resentment lingers throughout my body over what I may have missed out on. Nonsense, I collect myself and my things and prepare to head home for the night. A stack of papers to grade and a bottle of wine I think, what more could one want for the closure of a long week. The walk to my home is only eight blocks from the university. Five years ago I accepted a position at Johns Hopkins University in the Immunology Department. I would be allowed to not only share my love for the subject, but work on groundbreaking research at the same time. Shortly after I had found a house to call home nearby. The moment I saw the rustic Charles Village home I was in love. The architecture of the home reminded me of older European homes, much like the one I resided in during my own collegiate career. My life had simply falling into place.

 

               It was a crisper than normal fall day, and the walk seemed longer than usual. Heading home to an empty house wasn't making me want to move any faster. As I finally reached the stoop, I saw a young couple with a stroller walking across the street, a sad smile swept over my face as thoughts of Cosima ran through my mind.

 

              

               _Her smiles weak, and her eyes sadly speak the words that she can't bear to. We share a moment of silence, perhaps for our dying dreams, or to console our history. I'm not prepared to face a life without her, I'm not ready to leave the love I found in war.  "I think I just need time." She releases. "I want this, I want you." She assures, and I believe it. It's impossible not to. "And I want to do it right, and to do that I just think I need time, for me, you know?"_

_"Take all that you need." I manage to say, too afraid to push for my wants when she's in such a vulnerable state._

_"I'm coming back for you Delphine." The words come out raspy and worn. As though it is an uncertain promise. I am not able to decode it, if she's trying to make this easier on me, or even her, or if I am over thinking the sincerity behind her tone._

_"I'll never leave you mon amour." I promise. It's accurate, I would wait until eternity for Cosima. I could never imagine learning to love another and having it ever compare._

_"I'm counting on it, Delphine. I trust you." She vows. And it hurts. More unbearable than the wounds that are still healing. I've survived to this, to have Cosima need time apart. Every time she had kicked me out of apartments, and labs, it had never felt over. This had a different feeling to it. One that was considerably final. She needed time to heal, and I had to give her that, there was no other option. We could not survive together in this ill-fated routine. I was comfortable asking for her permission to leave, however with the roles reversed I find myself scared. For the first time since I had met her, this could be the final time I was allowed to hold her, and call her mine._

 

 

               The house was quiet, and cold, not a single item out of place. I left my papers on the dining room table and headed up the stairs to my bedroom to change out of my work clothes. Walking throughout the house I was reminded what drew me in, the space. Four bedrooms allowed room to grow, and space to study. After I freshened up, and poured my wine I headed to the couch to grade. The students were no doubt bright, but I wonder if they would be the next few to join the ranks of DYAD. I let my imagination dream on which ones could allow themselves to join research programs on cloning, and which ones would plead morals.

 

               I find myself awake on the couch in my living room a bit past midnight when I finally decide to seek slumber. Organizing my papers, washing my glass and putting the bottle in the recycling I walk upstairs to the bedroom. The sheets and bedding were both maroon with near white walls, with scattered paintings and photographs on the walls. It appeared inviting from the outside, but tonight it was lonely, and quiet. My mind trailed back to Cosima's dreams she shared the night we agreed we would both have a life past DYAD. There would be a farmhouse, without a fence, and a tire swing in the yard. This home provided none of those details, and once again the warmth of resentment spread though out my body. I allowed myself to fall asleep to the noise of some chatter from the streets.  

 

               I was startled awake to the sounds of rustling from down the steps. No one should be here I thought. Who would be here? My life had become much less threatened with my move and new profession, my mind was racing, a burglar? After the sun had risen? It was barely six. I nudged out the bedroom door, and crept down the steps when I was bombarded by a young child running up to me "Maman! Maman! I missed you!" Lilly shouted as she threw her arms around me. I pulled her in close, a week away from her was too long.

 

               "How was your trip?" I asked the jubilant four year old as I picked her up trying to match her energy. Her curly blonde hair was obviously uncombed, but she had a long flight so I held back my comment.

 

               "Long- good we have stories on how our young Thomas here tried to fly off Uncle Felix's Kitchen Island and now has a new bump on his head." Cosima laughs as my eyes follow over to the toddler fast asleep on the couch. "I misunderstood the flight time and it was actually three am, not pm, thanks to Ms. Lillian over there." She said as she rustled her hands though our daughters hair and placed her lips on mine. "Not sure how I could miss something like that but you know me." She winks. Even after all these years such a simple gesture brings a blush.

 

               " I missed you." I whisper. It's true, a week was too long away from the three of them. The tidy living room I left last night was now covered in luggage and bags. The sense of home that I have come to know was in full effect. "We should get you all unpacked" I state, well aware that I will be doing most of the work, but being true to myself, I needed a plan of attack on this mess.

 

               "I say we head to bed, some of us haven't yet slept since yesterday." Cosima points out. My poor children, I shake my head, realizing Lilly was asleep in my arms. "Come on, you too." She smiles at me, picking up Thomas. "You could still get a few more hours, plus I haven't slept next to you in like a week." Her cheeky grin, the one I found myself swooning for, the one I vowed I could never live without, appears; and I realize the resentment that I had carried only hours before was nonsense.  My life was more than I could ever have dreamed.

 

               There's some term for tempered solace, and comfort putting your child in bed. As Lilly rolled towards the wall I stood off and gazed at what my life had become. Her quiet body was rising and falling with each slumbered breath, peacefully unaware of the actions that had occurred only years prior. They would never need to know of the battles we faced and the wars we won. Lilly and Thomas would simply know of parents who loved them, and wanted to better the world.

 

               I felt warm arms come around my waist, and Cosima's lips against my neck. "Come to bed with me?" She asks. And how could I ever deny her?

 

               "Are you happy?" I need reassurance after all these years, I've progressed with the trust, and I made sure to include her on all major decisions, yet I still find myself second guessing her happiness. I want to see forth that she is just as pleased with what we have gained as I am.

 

               "Insanely." A hush breath to my ear.

 

               "Even without the farm house, tire swing and willow tree?" The dreams she possessed never left my conscience. All of them still maintained on my to-do list, just the portion we haven't had time to cross off quite yet.

 

               "Delphine." She says moving around so we are face to face. "Is this what seven days apart does to you?" Her voice giggling through the question. "You've given me two crazy children, who have your gorgeous blonde locks, a house we can call a home, and everything a gal could hope for." She assures, collecting my hands and pulling me towards the bed. "You put my health first, my life first when I wasn't able to." As she kisses my cheek. "And accepted the time I needed apart." As her lips press against mine. "And from that I learned this is all I want. To have a healthy and trusting relationship." As she pulls off my shirt. "And now I would like to have you, with our healthy and trusting relationship in that bed, like now."

 

               These are the moments I add to hold in my fortress, behind the rivers, behind the trees in my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> Comments and Kudos Always Welcomed.


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